A lecture from the 2021 Pro MusiX conference.
Brought to you by http://www.Patreon.com/BenLevin
Transcript for further study:
What is a serious musician and what does a serious musician do?
Hi my name is Dr. Onion Kimberly and today we are going to answer these questions
By the end of this lecture you will have what it takes to get into a top music school, graduate Summa Cum Laude, be invited to the Dean’s private parties, circumcise the board of trustees and ultimately get your loans forgiven. You will decide the future retail investments for your college and will be able to play the electric guitar.
Basically seriousness can be broken down into three sub-categories or qualities that define your work habits.
Quality number one is calculating ideal tempos
Quality number two is finding the right daw
And quality number three is checking in with your Sweetwater rep
Lets break this down further.
An ideal tempo is one in which the 16th notes sound fast while the 16th note triplets are still within reach. This tempo sweet spot varies from person to person and often correlates with daily protein intake and other personality quirks. I’ve found that my quirkiest and most aloof friends sit at a clean 140 to 160 bpm bpm for this. Although I don’t count on them for helpful advice or conversation of any consequence, I do find that they often come from rich families and have the ear of the dean of admissions at your average private music institution. Berklee College of Music for instance famously awarded an honorary doctorate to a very strange man! This man allowed himself to take social shortcuts and humbly boast about his inability to tolerate small talk. Many board members took note of this and found him to be “refreshingly honest” and “the kind of genius that will help our endowment continue to grow for years to come.”
For my modest friends who have a good work ethic earned from years of struggle, 90 -120bpm are decent tempo fits. They definitely have a strong awareness of their own limitations, which allows them to pick ideal tempos quite naturally. My previously mentioned vapid savant acquaintances tend to over guess their capabilities and measure their ideal tempos based on their maximum speed playing three consecutive whole steps. I often find myself puzzled at their lack of groove, but uncannily aroused by their “charisma around groups of wealthy older men.”
Quality number two is finding the right daw.
Pro Tools works nicely for people who believe in the dream of owning real estate or go to brick and mortar establishments to record from time to time. It is a DAW that has no ethos or discerning personality qualities besides a guarantee in the name that these are indeed tools and somehow, someway are the tools pros use.
Logic seems to work well for people who want a good daw that comes with good sounds but don’t want to spend a lot of time reacting in front of a DSLR camera or are perhaps a little more comfortable scrolling than they are posting, However Ableton is perfect for the musician who keeps a clean room and lets the world know it!
Reaper is a good daw for musicians but it’s not as serious as the others since it requires less financial commitment and it is practically common knowledge in 2021 that if it don’t cost it gets lost.
The third and final quality of a serious musician is having the social and diplomatic aptitude necessary to keep in touch with your Sweetwater rep. A serious musician will mostly see a variety of keyboards and guitars showing up next to almost any website they frequent. They will grin to themselves knowing the advertisements can’t work on them. But every now and then in a moment of imagined inspiration they will buy just one of these products and in that moment a friendship will bloom. For they will find not only a confirmation that they committed themselves to debt, a large box, and tiny bag of candy, but also to a relationship with a person with a headset and a big grin saying “I’m your sweetie water boy. What can I do to be sure you buy again?” This relationship lasts for decades and often improves after the serious musician experiences a divorce.
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